A Tom by Any Other Name is Still a Tom

Not too long ago I met a gentleman (I use that term very loosely) at work. Since I am a lady we'll protect his identity and call him Tom. Not long after we met he started helping out with a project with a group of us in my department. He began attending all the meetings and giving his input. Over the next few weeks he became a part of our close knit group.

Now as all this project planning was going on my coworkers began to notice something that I was oblivious to, (or maybe I was just avoiding it). Tom would randomly stop by asking for me. He would show up early to meetings. It became clear to all, and eventually me, that perhaps Tom might be interested. Now being the smart experienced person that I am I decided that reading into his behavior was not a wise thing. I have learned that a man interested is a man motivated.

One day as I was finishing up some work my office line rang. I answered the phone and it was Tom. He was calling to ask for information about an upcoming project meeting. I gave him the information and then he began asking some personal questions. I know that everyone has a different idea of what personal questions are so I will clarify what my definition is. Personal questions, in my opinion, are those questions that are asked to get to know one's stand on dating, relationships, marriage, etc. I have to admit I was a little caught off guard by the questions but it seemed to demonstrate my belief about what a man is capable of when he is interested. After that 40 minute phone call I was beginning to think that my coworkers might be right about him being interested.

The next afternoon the phone rang. I glanced at the caller id and recognized the number. It was Tom. I answered the phone expecting him to ask for someone else. He was calling for me and his tone of voice was different than the day before. Smoother and lower he began asking even more personal questions. Only this time he was asking about my hobbies and interests and to my surprise he wanted to know what I was looking for in a man.

If you know me, and you don't if you are reading this, you would know that this is the part of the story when I begin asking myself, "What's the catch?" Tom is a good looking man, older than what I am usually attracted to. I am no ugly duckling but I still wonder if this guy could like me. I decide to give it no importance unless he asks me out.

I have to confess that I do not have a ton of dating experience. I am limited in my knowledge how the dating thing works nowadays. I have not been in a relationship since the last one ended 11 1/2 years ago. To make matters worse the last time that I went on a first date I was 19 years old, nearly two decades ago. With as little knowledge as I have the one thing I did know was that if he asked me out I could assume he was interested.

The following week he asked me to join him and a few friends for happy hour. I agreed to meet him grateful that he made group plans, (I feel better in group situations and had expressed that to him in one of our question and answer sessions over the phone). I arrived at the restaurant and joined the group. Right away it became clear to me that this group of friends knew why I was there. After dinner a smaller group of us walked around the shops for a bit. His incessant flirting was as subtle as a dress on a line backer. I wasn't sure what to make of the attention but decided to just enjoy the evening. He walked me to my car as we left and told me that he had a great time and couldn't wait to do it again.

Over the course of the next few weeks we talked on the phone and hung out a few times. I asked a few people that knew him to give me their opinions about him. Everyone spoke very highly of him . Still something was nagging me. Deep down I felt uneasy about the whole situation. I shared that concern with a couple of those coworkers, (many of whom had seen the flirting with their own eyes). They both laughed it off saying that it was just my fear of dating after such a long drought. I decided to let go if those fears and that's when the excrement hit the oscillating air producing device (thanks BFF for this).

Before long I found out that this divorcee was exaggerating about his divorce experience, (pathetic) pursuing several women, (desperate), and even pursuing a friend and business associate (STUPID). Did he not realize that women talk. They are not stupid. They do share stuff. DUH...we are women.

This man who claimed to be a Christian and live by those Christian values was a player. Ask him about this situation and he will say that I misread his intentions. I say only a coward chooses not to own up to what and who he is. I know that Tom does not represent all men. I believe that there are good, honest men out there. Unfortunately there are a bunch of Toms out there too, acting like good guys so they can get themselves "some".

Peace, love and a Tom free world to all,
Andie

Free Advice

So here I am...single at thirty seven. It's not by choice I assure you. I have tried the online dating services, (you know that's a bad idea when they match you with someone you already know), I have allowed myself to be set up and met friends of friends. Being single at this age has allowed me to receive a barrage of comments, criticism and advice from "wise", well meaning people with nothing better to do than worry about my love life (or lack of one).

"If only you would put yourself out there", I have heard. What does that mean? Put yourself out there. Do I stand on a corner somewhere with a sign, "I'm out here"? Maybe I should take out an ad or run a commercial. "Tired of looking for a mature, loving, kind, trustworthy, faithful, and loyal wife? Well do I have a product for you, The Loving Wife by Ronco. "

"Your day will come. I waited a long time for my husband." This comment came a few years ago from an eighteen year old friend about to get married. Really...a long time? Had she been any closer to me I would have punched her, but that would have landed me in jail and that is not a good place to meet a man.

Another comment is the, "You are too picky" comment. What in the world? Too picky? How can one be too picky? Let's see. I don't want anyone who is addicted to drugs, gambling, smoking, alcohol or porn. I don't want a liar or a cheater. I would like to avoid criminals, wife beaters, sex offenders, predators, murderers and psychopaths. I would rather he not have five kids from five different women. Is it too much to ask from someone who is STD free? I tell people that I believe that marriage is too important to settle for just anything.

"The grass is always greener", a married friend once said as I complained about another holiday without someone love. "You single people don't realize how good you have it. You can go wherever and do whatever you want when you want." Baffled by her comment, (she always praised marriage and its advantages), I asked her if she would like to be single again. "No way! I would hate to be alone." I told her that she was banned from ever giving me advice again.

My least favorite comment. It receives my, "What the hell were you thinking when you said that" award. "You're not getting any younger, what are you waiting for?" I always want to respond something like, "Hmmm...let's see. I was going to wait for my eggs to shrivel up and for my body to become so aged that no man would want to see me without clothes. Is that not a good plan?" Are people so insensitive that they think a comment like that will be received well. Like I don't already know how old am I have to be reminded.

I know that there are other people out there like me. People who value marriage and refuse to settle on just anything. To you people I stand and applaud.

I have some free advice:

To all you married people: think about what you say before you say it or just don't say anything at all.

To all you single people: It takes a mighty good spouse to be better than none, (just think about that). It's better to be single than in a marriage you want out of. While you are waiting do all those things you've been waiting (for marriage) to do. Take that trip , buy that house; whatever it is you want to do just do it!

Peace, love and good marriages for all,
Andie